Intermission week 1

      Wow these past few days have felt so unstructured compared to the MTC- But I forget how much I need recharge time so it has been good to be able to find new ways to fill the time. 

     Our last few days in the MTC were kind of crazy- we had a teaching appointment like everyday and we said goodbye to our teachers way too quickly. Part of me felt like 'yes ok I am ready to be done with this', but the other part was like 'ahhh wait I still understand nothing and can't say anything waittt'! Getting released was also weird too, mostly just because I thought I would feel different but I felt the exact same and I was like ahh I feel guilty watching netflix I'm a missionary, wait no I'm not... why do I still feel guilty? Luckily that passed and I just feel calm now. 

     I don't think I realized how much pressure and anxiety I was putting on myself to be perfect and to be the best missionary right now. It is funny because something I have been trying to appreciate more, is being in growth periods. Like enjoying the struggle and time where I am learning and progressing, instead of wishing for the finish line already. But I think it is especially hard as a missionary because not only do you put pressure on yourself but it feels like everyone else also has these really high standards of what you should be feeling or looking like as a missionary. 

     That is part of the reason I am really glad for these couple of weeks off, so that I can refocus on my purpose instead of my appearance as a missionary. I had a great professor at BYUH who liked to talk about that principle a lot-- the difference between being converted, and looking like a disciple. I think idealization and shame changing is too common in missionary culture. Change made through shame or based on the appearance of obedience does not last. Lasting change can only be achieved through genuine conversion to the Gospel of Jesus Christ and through his atonement. Focusing back on my faith and on lasting change and knowledge has helped me create a sustainable change and a more genuine love for missionary work. 

     But admittedly it has also just been nice to be able to watch movies and Netflix again. I've also been doing a bunch of family history- specifically story gathering and writing down recipes. It has been really fun and super faith building to remember the experiences of my ancestors that paved the way for me to be born in the church and to be able to be out serving a mission now. I would encourage anyone who is bored during this pandemic time to look into your family history and learn more about your faith. 

Don't really know what else to say so I will leave it here.

Peace and Love.

Paris